I’m currently dating quite the sweetie and life is pretty good, I guess! We have fun times, and we’re both wordy people. Ahhhhh, the joy of conversing with someone who knows what adverbs are! It’s quite nice.

But a spanner was thrown in the works, guys. We had our first fight. And it was about punctuation.

How can someone hate parentheses!? It’s like hating parking lots! They’re going to be there whether you like them or not, but at least they serve a purpose. I lobbied hard for parentheses in this fight, but then my unabashed hatred of ellipses was thrown in my face. But ellipses are stupid! ellipses are often misused and misunderstood, whereas parenthesis, in my mind, have the clear task of setting a word or phrase aside, not as a footnote, but as a little whisper in the middle of everything. That’s important, I argued.

Here’s where the story starts becoming relevant to you and your work: somewhere, some day, you will write a piece of copy and submit it for approval. It will be the most perfect copy you have ever written. Everyone will love it and want to run with it–except for one guy. One guy who wrinkles his nose at it and says, “Everything’s great, but can we take out these semicolons/ ellipses/ parentheses/ dashes/ colons/ commas/ quote marks? They just distract me/ don’t look right/ mess up the “flow”/some other vague reason.”

He may be the only person on the committee that felt that way. Whether his reasoning is valid or not, you, the writer of the copy, will be peeved because if he’s the only one that’s bothered, why should you change it? But that one dissenting opinion will slowly infect your manager, your coworkers, your client, and your staff. They’ll spend way more time than necessary looking at those semicolons/ ellipses/ parentheses/ dashes/ colons/ commas/ quote marks and asking themselves, “Does this distract me? Does it look right? Is it wrong?”

Here’s the thing about technical aspects of copywriting, the big secret that “word people” are hiding from you: there are very, very few hard and fast rules in writing, all things considered. A lot of times, the rules are made to be bent. Or broken. Or some other sentence fragment. A lot of times, it’s all a matter of taste.

To use one eternal grammar nerd battle as an example: I am a user of the serial (or Oxford) comma. (See baby? That’s a perfect use for parenthesis, just sayin’.) The serial comma is the last, some would say optional, comma in a series of three or more words or phrases. As in: I like to eat butter, eggs, and cheese. That second comma is a serial comma. And I love it. I think it helps makes things more clear without talking up too much page space. I’ll use it with my dying keystroke.

But why do I really wave the Oxford comma flag? Because that’s how I was taught as a child. And it would be more difficult to break the habit now in my declining years than to just go with it. It’s my personal preference. And if it saves a relationship or two, I will admit here in public that people who do not use the Oxford comma are–gulp–not bad writers by default.

My point is, it’s not the end of the world if one guy wants you to change some small technical part of your copywriting. I’m not saying roll over every time, especially if said bellyacher is in the wrong no matter how you slice it. I’m just saying there are bigger things to worry about in writing, and for god’s sakes, in life, than a dash or a semicolon.

But parentheses are still awesome.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

Okay, cliches! Get ready for an interesting fact: the word “cliche” originally meant a chunk of typeset text of moveable type Ye Olde printer could use over and over again often. This is also where we get the word “stereotype,” literally type that’s used many times for different purposes. Now it means a phrase or an idea that is used to the point of overuse; that is, it has lost its meaning.

This is bad business because:
1. It bores your customers.
2. It doesn’t help inform your customers.
3. It doesn’t set you apart from your competitors.

The tricky bit about cliches is that they’re a lot like figures of speech , which are so ingrained in our language, we don’t even know we’re using them most of the time. I defy you to leaf through a newspaper or flip through some commercials and not find dozens and dozens of cliches. So everyone is doing it! That doesn’t make it right. If the New York Times jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? (See what I did there? A cliche AND a personifi-whatever.)

Unfortunately, the antidote for cliches is originality, and, by definition, there’s no textbook on how to be original. I’m not saying every line you write needs to be Shakespeare, but it does need to be something more than a platitude or a recycled bit. I suppose the best advice would be to read expansively, not for the purposes of ripping off others, but to get your brain used to thinking in different ways.

And I don’t mean this in just brass-tacks writing; I mean ideas themselves. Cliches and stereotypes are easy shortcuts to human understanding, but you can get in a lot of trouble PR-wise if you’re lazy and fall into their traps. Dumb blondes, stupid jocks, effeminate homosexuals, battle axe businesswomen, hookers with hearts of gold, slow Southerners: these are cliches that you’re better off avoiding, not just for moral reasons but because they’re boring; they don’t help inform your customers; and using them doesn’t set you apart. Unless you like being profiled for making a large segment of consumers angry.

But even then, even the little scrap of press you eke out for “going there” and “telling it like it is” doesn’t get you much mileage because the offensive promotional stunt is itself a cliche. And another, more offensive stunt will be right behind you, rest assured.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

Or, in other words, quit the #@$%ing purple prose already.

Purple prose means writing that is way too flowery, effusive, extravagant, or showy. It’s a phrase used to describe works or passages that are out of place or just plain stupid. The poet Horace coined the phrase (sort of) and the lesson is don’t ever, ever go overboard.

“Elaborate poetry?” you may ask. “Florid diatribes? Surely these never appear in my businesslike writing of business!”

Are you sure?

One of the problems we flacks can run into is that our pitches and press releases sometimes must go through a committee before being used. Our clients, companies, or (if we believe in the product deeply enough) even ourselves can become a little blinded when crafting the message. And surely that’s natural; after working so hard on something, you start to get wrapped up in it.

The rhetoric becomes truth to you, to the committee. Press releases are going out the door stating that this product is going to be The Best Thing Ever, and if you’re not careful, it won’t be stating it so simply. You’re gonna be getting all purple about it.

The problem with purple prose is the writer of it often sits back with a huge grin on her face, having written really, really hard and feeling her job is done. But the reader can always tell. Purple prose is so ridiculous and overdone that it’s hard to ignore. In situations where I think my overly dramatic tendencies may be getting the better of my writing, I go by a very simple rule: cut out everything except the necessities. It’s a rule that fixes a lot of problems, actually, but purple bruises more than most.

So instead of spouting off on how the product is going to change the face of the planet in five years’ time, I may want to start with describing, you know, what it does. Just something to think about when you’re toning down those purple hues.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

One exclamation point? Fine. Necessary if you’re an excitable person! One question mark: cool. No problem.

Two exclamation points or question marks? Okaaaaaay, but you’re on thin ice, mister.

Three or more? Oh. Oh, we gonna fight.

Here are the times and places I think !!! or ??? is appropriate:

1. A text or e-mail sharing news about a marriage/pregnancy/new job/lottery winnings
2. A hipsterly ironic tweet or IM
3. In trying to convey simple messages to people who do not speak English

When I get an e-mail from someone saying something like, “Where is the report????” or “The meeting is tomorrow!!!!!!” I can only assume the sender is having some kind of unprofessional seizure. And that maybe someone has told them to stop CAPSLOCKING their messages, so they’ve moved onto the next best thing. You’ve gotten these messages and rolled your eyes, right?

Okay. Now admit you’ve done it. Because you have, because you get carried away in an angry or excited e-mail exchange and you forget how to write like an adult: with one. Final. Punctuation mark at the end of your sentences. (Not including the interrobang, which is often written as !? but can actually be counted as one mark. You know‽)

In an effort to lend our everyday messages some urgency or verve that we find lacking in our usual communication, we are often tempted to go overboard on things like this. Fight the feeling. Be the bigger person. Just say, “Where is the report?”

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

We’ve whined about the differences between American and British English before, but spellings are a whole ‘nother animal. Or is that animaul? (Hint: it’s not.) If you care, here are some commonly mixed-up spellings that differ across the pond.

TJ Dietderich’s Not At All Complete List of American/British Spellings (Beta)

This side is American/This one is British

Theater/Theatre

Gray/Grey

Humor/Humour (This British Law of U’s holds for most words that have an -or in American English, e.g., color/colour.)

Analyze/Analyse (The British Law of S’s holds for most words that end in -ze in American English, e.g., materialize/materialise.)

Favorite/Favourite

Fulfill/Fulfil (Yeah, sometimes we just add an extra L to the British spelling.)

Defense/Defence (Sometimes we switch a C for an S.)

Center/Centre

Dialog/Dialogue

Pajamas/Pyjamas

Judgment/Judgement

Traveling/Travelling

. . . and so on.

How the hell did it get like this, you may ask in a shrill voice. Dude, I’m with you. This is getting ridiculous. It’s as if on July 5, 1776, Jefferson and Franklin sat down and thought, how subtly can we divorce ourselves linguistically from Old Blighty? Oh, I know. Let’s drop some U’s, change some letters to other letters that sound exactly the same, add L’s, then drop other L’s, switch some R’s with E’s, and heck, while we’re at it, let’s confuse generations of Americans with the word GRAY.

(I’m sure Franklin and Jefferson were only peripherally involved, but I need someone to yell at, you know?)

If you’re like me, you’re looking at this list and thinking, dang, I’ve been spelling it theatre and dialogue this whole time. Am I going to have to switch to the American spelling now? What does this mean for my cultural identity!?

Easy fix. I absolve you. I know it’s a slippery slope, but in this instance, I say don’t give one more iota of brain cells’ worth of thought about this rule. We KNOW what you mean when you write “grey” instead of “gray.” Except in some extreme cases (Really, Britain? Manoeuvre instead of maneuver? Got any other vowels you wanna squash in there while you’re at it?), no one is going to be overly confused if you use a British spelling instead of the American one.

Here’s the thing about English: it changes. It fluctuates and shifts constantly. There are whole swathes of Asia learning a new version of English called Panglish, and although we English-speakers will probably never understand it, it’s poised to be the most common variety of English in the next hundred years. They won’t be spelling things in Panglish the way we do. And who cares? We’ll be dead.

If someone wants to look down their long, probably bespectacled noses at you for using a British spelling, or a colloquialism, or not following the rules as written down in X book (and there are a lot of those books, all saying different things), that’s fine. They can live their lives thinking they’re correct in all things English. But wait five minutes, or a year, or a generation, and they’ll be wrong.

When it comes right down to it, English doesn’t care about the rules. It cares about you being as creative, clear, and consistent as possible. That’s it. Everything else is a matter of style and taste, and we all know there’s no accounting for that.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun.

I remember it by saying an affect is an action.

Exception: when you “effect change,” then you can use effect as a verb. And when you use “an affect,” meaning you’re using a certain trait (as in acting), then you can use affect as a noun. But those instances are so rare you may as well not even bother.

That’s it. Bookmark and go on with your lives.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

Obviously our internal e-mail thread devolved into lots of people apologizing for being one of those two. Which was weird, because at least 10 people came forward to claim their place of shame in those two slots. Waitacottonpickin’ minute, I said, clearly we are all slackers, not just two of us! You really made us scared, Cog, that we were only one of two deadbeats in the group. Cog tried to defend himself by saying that “you two” referred to the two goody-two-shoes that DID finish their posts under the deadline.

Which is just not cricket. As anyone with eyes can see, “you two” was a reference to the sentence’s subject, which was “those of you without posts.” We yelled about it for a bit, and then I decided to duck yet another deadline just under the wire with a post of subject/verb/pronoun agreement, because I GUESS some of us still need a reminder.

As my self-indulgent little story illustrates, the importance of agreement in sentences is to head off misunderstandings at the pass. In English especially, we have a lot of instances in which one word can make all the difference. “The deer is coming into the house” sure sounds a lot less dangerous then “the deer are coming into the house.” One deer, okay, maybe we can handle that. Multiple deer? Time to start panicking.

So! Subject/verb agreement. The point is, if you just keep track of how many things you’re talking about, you should be able to figure out what sort of verb to use. You only have two choices: one or more than one. So as soon as you tick off that second finger, you should know.

Beware of tricky kinda-sorta subjects that will trip you up. Even if there are a lot of things in your subject, the word that describes them might be singular. A group is one thing, even if its descriptor ends with an S. Remember mapping out sentences in grade school? Yeah, same thing. Just figure out what the true subject is.

This group of flacks is the laziest I’ve ever seen.

One of the battlegrounds of American grammar is the subject none. None means literally “not one,” and since the word one is singular, it should follow that the verb agreement is singular as well. So you would say, “None is left.” But the problem with none is that it so often refers to a plurality, and honestly, using a verb like “are” or “were” isn’t incorrect as long as it’s not intended to be singular.

Complicated! But as long as your writely heart is in the right place and you’re consistent, I won’t throw rocks at you.

Now back to Cog’s faux pas. It wasn’t actually a pronoun that he used, but it was a phrase that referred back to something, and it probably has a very complex grammatical name that I’m too uninterested in looking up right now. The point is you have to keep track of your sentence’s phrases and keep them all in line much like soldiers in an army. Every word is relying on the others to make sense.

This kind of thing drives me crazy:

A country deep in the Amazon rain-forest, Beth was so excited to visit Brazil.

Really! Beth is a country that is deep in the Amazon rain-forest? That is so weird; I’ve never heard of the Republic of Beth.

Do you see what’s happened there? That beginning phrase is clearly supposed to refer to Brazil, but it was placed right next to the subject of our sentence, Beth, in a way that implies it is referring to her. Which is just silly. Beth is not a country, she’s a lady.

So change sentences like

With 300 horsepower and four-wheel drive, Jameson Motors has been manufacturing the Leopard Roadster for over ten years.

to

Jameson Motors has been manufacturing the 300 horsepower, four-wheel drive Leopard Roadster for over ten years.

See? Jameson doesn’t have those characteristics. Its car does. God, if I had a nickel for every time I saw this sort of thing in a press release, well, I’d have some nickels, I guess.

Ca-ching.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

Don’t cry! Nobody does. Seriously, no one can remember the rules for that/which because they are so. Freakin’. Difficult to remember when you’re in the middle of writing. But some of you actually care about your writing, and for you, I will break it down. The rest of you can go, I don’t know, eat cheez doodles and watch the local news.

Here’s what the Chicago Manual of Style (praise be His name) has to say about that/which:

5.202
that; which. These are both relative pronouns (see 5.58–62). In polished American prose, that is used restrictively to narrow a category or identify a particular item being talked about {any building that is taller must be outside the state}; which is used nonrestrictively—not to narrow a class or identify a particular item but to add something about an item already identified {alongside the officer trotted a toy poodle, which is hardly a typical type of police dog}. Which should be used restrictively only when it is proceeded by a preposition {the situation in which we find ourselves}. Otherwise it is almost always preceded by a comma, a parenthesis, or a dash. In British English, writers and editors seldom observe the distinction between the two words.

Another bloody reason we should have all just kept our mouths shut in 1776. (J/K. USA, USA! Did you SEE us win that men’s gold in ice skating? Okay, back to grammar.)

Listen, if any of you read that piece of information from Chicago and actually understood it, then I defer to you, Professor Nash. The rest of us will continue wallowing in the filth of our confusion. To put it another way: what the f#@% does that mean!?

Calm yourself, child! Mama will sort it all out for you.

The easiest thing I can tell you is this: That is used when you need a phrase to make the sentence say what you need it to say. Which is used to introduce a phrase that isn’t actually necessary in order for the sentence to make sense. That’s what Chicago means when it talks about restrictive and nonrestrictive use.

Let’s try some examples.

This is the drink that she bought me.

Can you imagine taking out everything in that sentence after that? You would just be saying “this is the drink” and that certainly doesn’t make much sense, does it? It doesn’t answer the question of the person who asked you, “Hey, what’s that thing in your hands with the ice cubes and the liquid?”

Compare that to:

This is a scotch and soda, which is a refreshing combination of single-malt and carbonated water.

See? If you take out everything after which, you still have a perfectly respectable sentence. The phrase beginning with which just gives you some extra information, observation, or illumination.

But wait! The scandalous lady that is American English throws you yet another curveball. Sometimes which can be used restrictively, in a way that makes it and its phrase necessary for the sentence to make sense. I know. It’s a dirty trick. But you can easily figure out when it’s kosher if you follow the age-old rule (which I flaunt when it suits me) that states Thou Shalt Never End a Sentence with a Preposition.

Therefore,

That’s the knife that he stabbed the bear with.

is incorrect, while

That’s the knife with which he stabbed the bear.

is totally cool. Unless you like bears.

See how the preposition “with” was moved from the end of the phrase to the middle? That preposition makes it okie dokie to use which in a necessary, un-throw-away-able phrase.

Of course, if you hate all these rules, you can become a British citizen. But then you would have lost two wars to America, and honestly, are you going to let your grammar anxiety do that to you? Go conquer that which you fear.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

Irony sounds really complicated when you try to research it on Wikipedia. There are lots of different kinds: verbal irony (when you say something that’s the opposite of what you really mean) and dramatic irony (when one person is not aware of something that everyone else is).

Whatever. Forget all that. The problem is that you (yes, you) often say something is ironic when it is actually just unfortunate. It is NOT ironic when you get stuck in the rain without an umbrella. That’s just poor planning on your part. I would be ironic, however, if you got stuck in the rain without an umbrella and you happened to be the president of an umbrella manufacturer and you were locked out of your well-stocked umbrella warehouse. Do you see? Irony does not lie in something being merely unfortunate, inconvenient, or funny. Irony is a special kind of funny (or sad) where something is contrary to what is normal or expected.

When do you call something ironic in your press releases and pitches? My guess is, not often. Here’s my rule, which you should feel free to adopt as your own: If you can substitute “funnily enough” for “ironically,” you should. It’s not ironic that your client is holding an event in the city while your pitchee will be there; that’s just facts. So just stick to ‘em.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging

IAWYC I Agree With You Completely

IMO/IMHO In My Opinion or In My Humble Opinion

\o/ the visual representation of a person raising arms triumphantly in the air. As in, “I just got a raise \o/”

:3 kitty-ish smiley face meant to denote mischief

-.- the face of someone who is disappointed in you and the world in general; the long-suffering sigh of emoticons

>.< the face of someone who is aggravated to the point of snapping; that’s eyes scrunched shut

;.; tears of sadness, most likely wide-eyed tears of sadness

Am I silly and immature for using these in private online conversations? Oh heck yeah. But sometimes ;.; can say more than words ever could. There are probably tons of geeky emoticons and acronyms I’m forgetting, so feel free to checkmate me in the comments.

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• 30 July 2010 : Friday’s 5 • 30 July 2010
• 29 July 2010 : Twitter is one big, fat inside joke between 100 million people
• 28 July 2010 : Your Copy Sucks: Punctuation Ruins Lives
• 27 July 2010 : Do You ‘Crunch Proud?’
• 26 July 2010 : What the Old Spice Guy Videos Lacked: Real Messaging