WANTED: Publicist Needed for Famous Actor

Famous actor is seeking a new publicist who must be able to bring it. The right individual will have tiger blood and Adonis DNA, and also ready to win at every moment.

Daily responsibilities include and are not limited to: corresponding with actor’s goddesses, managing actor’s Twitter and Facebook feeds, reciting Eminem’s poetry and drafting press releases.

Self-described as a “winning client” and “goddamn bitchin’” this experienced PR pro should be well-versed in crack cocaine, bad comedy sitcoms, late night drinking binges, hatred towards AA and comfortable working with a warlock.

This high-profile position will require you to work with a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old. There will be some travel required such as rocket trips to the moon.

This highly desirable opportunity will be unpaid to start as the famous actor is currently underpaid. All applicants should have a success rate of 100 percent and be able to make a long-term commitment as this actor is still alive which is “pretty cool.” Vatican assassins need not apply.

Since actor does not have an attention span for resumes, please include your brief cover letter below to be considered for this prestigious position.