Dear Kate,

I’ve noticed recently that I’ve had a drastic drop in my Twitter follower count (I already checked and there was no Twitter spam cleaning). I just don’t understand why people aren’t loving me and everything I have to say. I tweet about the things I do, what I eat, what kind of decorative head ornament my Chihuahua is wearing each day. I talk about how awesome I am, tweet my new blog posts (every day) and generally radiate hotness. So, Kate, why have I lost so many followers?

Thanks for any help.

Best,
Itsall Aboutme

Dear Itsall Aboutme,

I’m so glad you wrote! I will try, but am not sure how much I can help you. Here are a few pointers for not #failing so horribly at life . . . erm on Twitter:

1. I don’t, and nor does anyone else care about what you ate for any meal. And please, no photos of the food you are eating.
2. I don’t care what you are wearing unless you are Donna Karan herself and are dripping in Couture, tweeting from a fashion blog account.
3. I don’t think you are witty. And neither does anyone else. Try being slightly more self-deprecating when writing about yourself.
4. Snark is an art. You don’t posses the skill. Please stop trying to be snarky.
5. No, I will not become a fan of your cool “underground” social media group on Facebook. Seriously, there’s a fan page for everything nowadays.
6. Credit where it’s due. Everyone you associate yourself with is not brilliant, masterful, genius (ok, I’m guilty of this one, but I am genuinely in awe of many people I find via SM).
7. Try to authentically engage with people via @ reply or Direct Message at least once a day. Pushing it? Ok, fine three times a week.
8. STOP tweeting your follower count.
9. Continuously tweeting the same blog post you wrote throughout the day, multiple times, will not make me want to read it any more. I already ignored it the first time.
10. Direct Message me asking for a RT or a comment will automatically put you in a category called “not reading, not commenting, not RT-ing.”
11. Please don’t friend me on Facebook because we had one semi-relevant conversation on Twitter.
12. Please stop blatantly flirting with other Twitter users. I tweet at the office for my job and don’t need to see such rubbish.

To send my message home, I found a fitting quote for you to mull over: “Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.” –Jules Renard, French writer

Here’s to your success! Best of luck.

Best,
Kate

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