Dear Facebook…

Thinkstock Single Image SetDear Facebook,

Seriously, we broke up awhile ago remember? It was right after I met Twitter. Even though Twitter and I are currently having our ups and downs, it doesn’t give you the right to try and rekindle what we once had. Granted, we had a lot of good times together, especially after my AWFUL relationship with MySpace, and don’t even get me started on Friendster (man, he just tried way too hard).

So, sure we hang out at work (because we have to) and the occasional evening – it’s a strictly platonic relationship. Now just when I thought we were developing an understanding, you have gone TOO FAR this time. You know what I’m talking about – you got my parents involved.

Look, I know you like my parents, I mean who wouldn’t? They are funny, they enjoy boxed wine –what’s not to love? Just know this Facebook – I am onto you. You are just using them as an avenue to win me back with this very sneaky tactic.

I have remained quiet about all of your continuous advances. The poking, the virtual drinks, the quizzes, the constant barrage of invitations to hang out; you have even used charity as a ploy to get me to engage in conversation with you.

When when none of that worked, you tried dressing up like Twitter hoping that would lure me back into your crazy, chaotic world.

Please bear in mind the reasons we cooled things off in the first place. You thought it was always a good idea to post pictures of me, really awful pictures I might add, for the masses to see. Then you expected me to comment on not only on EVERY aspect of my life, but my friends lives as well. Next you decided to make friends with every single one of my pals, knowing full well that I firmly believe it’s good to have separate groups of friends.

Somehow, in all of your popularity and magical internet wooing, you have now figured out how to involve my parents. I’ll hand it to you; they are not the most internet savvy folks, so I’m not exactly sure what tactics you used for them to sign up.  Yet, this is even a low blow for you, Facebook.

If you think that using my flesh and blood would result in the slightest chance I would come back to you, well think again! See, what you forgot is that I know my parents better than anyone. They’ll hang out with you for a bit and play your games for a few months, maybe even a year. Eventually they’ll grow tired of you and your silly ways and move on to something new – perhaps joining an online community for boxed wine lovers.

This might be a hard pill to swallow, but try as you may Facebook, you’ll never be able to regenerate the feelings I once had for you. At best we will only be acquaintances.



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