Dear Tiger, Jesse & Larry

Toilet signTo: Tiger, Jesse, Larry

From: Men around the world

Re: Thanks. (Say it sarcastically, because that’s how we mean it.)


Let’s call a spade a spade: because of you, the past few months haven’t exactly been stellar for the collective image of men.

Tiger, seriously, man.  Seriously.  You’re the greatest in the world at what you do.  You scored the hot model wife.  You established a mega charity.  And you went and chased around cocktail waitresses for kicks?  Instead of that, why not learn to fly an airplane around the world blindfolded…or buy Antarctica and rename it “TigerIsAwesomeLand” and construct a shrine to yourself there…or turn your savings account into gold coins and go swim in your vault like Scrooge McDuck?  Nobody would blame you…you’re Tiger Freakin’ Woods!

Jesse, you had the greatest image boost EVER!  You do know your claim to fame was building tricked out motorcycles and being a seedy character, right?  Look, you were married to a porn star.  Then you somehow convinced Sandra Bullock, to marry you, in one of the biggest “upgrades” since we stopped driving cars like the Flintstones and started using motors.  And then she went out and won a frickin’ Oscar and said she never would have done it without you.  Then the affairs and the white supremacist and Nazi imagery leaked out.  I’ll repeat this: you married America’s sweetheart and had a stripper mistress with a NAZI kick on the side.  What the hell is wrong with you?

Larry, Larry, Larry…dude, like the name of the old TV show – eight (divorces) is enough!  We’re sure each of them has their own unique reason, and you probably aren’t the cause for all…EIGHT…of them.  However, after, say, five failed marriages, just be a bachelor.  At your age and income level, the tax benefits can’t be THAT important to you.  Basically, enough marriages end in divorce…stop padding the stats!

You are celebrities.  Things you do matter in the public eye.  Some of us are trying to lead a decent life.

Men make up, you know, half of the world’s population.  Most of us are good people, or at least try our best to be every day.  But when people see the defiant, seemingly unrepentant playboy (BTW, that Nike ad featuring the voice of your father was ridiculous) or the apparently uncloseted white supremacist or the ancient womanizer, we ALL come off looking bad.

It’s really embarrassing.  Please stop.  Thanks.