Dear Tiger, Jesse & Larry

Toilet signTo: Tiger, Jesse, Larry

From: Men around the world

Re: Thanks. (Say it sarcastically, because that’s how we mean it.)


Let’s call a spade a spade: because of you, the past few months haven’t exactly been stellar for the collective image of men.

Tiger, seriously, man.  Seriously.  You’re the greatest in the world at what you do.  You scored the hot model wife.  You established a mega charity.  And you went and chased around cocktail waitresses for kicks?  Instead of that, why not learn to fly an airplane around the world blindfolded…or buy Antarctica and rename it “TigerIsAwesomeLand” and construct a shrine to yourself there…or turn your savings account into gold coins and go swim in your vault like Scrooge McDuck?  Nobody would blame you…you’re Tiger Freakin’ Woods!

Jesse, you had the greatest image boost EVER!  You do know your claim to fame was building tricked out motorcycles and being a seedy character, right?  Look, you were married to a porn star.  Then you somehow convinced Sandra Bullock, to marry you, in one of the biggest “upgrades” since we stopped driving cars like the Flintstones and started using motors.  And then she went out and won a frickin’ Oscar and said she never would have done it without you.  Then the affairs and the white supremacist and Nazi imagery leaked out.  I’ll repeat this: you married America’s sweetheart and had a stripper mistress with a NAZI kick on the side.  What the hell is wrong with you?

Larry, Larry, Larry…dude, like the name of the old TV show – eight (divorces) is enough!  We’re sure each of them has their own unique reason, and you probably aren’t the cause for all…EIGHT…of them.  However, after, say, five failed marriages, just be a bachelor.  At your age and income level, the tax benefits can’t be THAT important to you.  Basically, enough marriages end in divorce…stop padding the stats!

You are celebrities.  Things you do matter in the public eye.  Some of us are trying to lead a decent life.

Men make up, you know, half of the world’s population.  Most of us are good people, or at least try our best to be every day.  But when people see the defiant, seemingly unrepentant playboy (BTW, that Nike ad featuring the voice of your father was ridiculous) or the apparently uncloseted white supremacist or the ancient womanizer, we ALL come off looking bad.

It’s really embarrassing.  Please stop.  Thanks.

Share on Tumblr

  • Pingback: uberVU - social comments()

  • jasonmollica

    Even Johnny Carson would ask Larry to settle down and stop throwing wives away like Kleenex.
    I don't think they make men look bad, in general, to be honest. These knuckleheads just perpetuate the stigma that celebrities get married and divorced as often as they read movie scripts.
    Tiger was just a plain idiot. You'll probably remember the conversation we had about Tiger and Tiki Barber that led to a post at my blog. I think these guys need the attention. When they don't get it at home, they find someone who looks at them as Tiger Woods or (swoon) Jesse James!
    They are an embarrassment. But, not to me.. I think they embarrass their own names/businesses and their families.

  • And guys wonder why we don't want to take a chance on dating them? LOL

    Seriously, though, I know there are decent men out there – why do these celebrities muck it up? 🙁

  • lisakidder

    Very well said!

  • mikeschaffer

    Nice Johnny Carson reference!!

    Yes – our conversation, and your excellent blog post (…) were major influences in this letter.

    Everyone, read Jason's post!!!!! Great stuff!

  • mikeschaffer

    Thanks for reading, Sara!

    As a happily married man, my advice would be to blow past the idiot celebrities. They are a miniscule percentage of the population of good dudes out there.

  • jeffespo

    Mike – this is a great post pal. I was wondering if Big Ben was going to sneak in, but I am sure that is a post for another day.

    I am with you on forgetting about the celebrities. People screw up every day, but not everyone does.

  • stephmajercik

    I really enjoyed this post!

    Its because of guys like this why all athletes (on all levels), actors, and pretty much all guys have such bad reps! Have they forgotten that their every move is scrutinized and that there are millions of people that look up to them. They all kinda blew it.

  • OnlinePRNews

    What a fun read Mike! Seriously though, I beg to differ that these scum bags make you men look bad. I actually am willing to suggest that they make all you “nice guys” shine like diamonds! 😉 I mean, so what if my husband didn't help clear the table last night or left me to face homework with the kids solo? As long as he isn't hooking up with every Denny's waitress he comes across or getting a Nazi tattoo, he's virtually a hero among men! Lol — Tara

  • kylesharick

    Hilarious! As if we weren't still making up for the whole women can't vote thing lol seriously, I don't know why or what any of them were thinking, DUMB!

  • oh i like this

  • Great stuff…

  • Pingback: Friday’s 5 • 30 April 2010 :PRBreakfastClub()

  • Pingback: This Week’s Best of the Blogroll «()

  • Pingback: This Week's Best of the Blogroll : Today Topics()